An episode Guide to all 28 episodes of Absolutely, giving details of each sketch in each show.
Also includes sketch guide for the two official video releases Absolutely "the Vido" & Number 2.

Sketch details for each episode of Absolutely
I have tried to describe each sketch using terms that I think you will remember. If you are not sure about a character then use my Absolutely Character Guide to identify them.

To try an locate a sketch you remember, press Control F which will show the Find Dialogue. Then type in a phrase and click the 'Find next' button example Little girl will highlight each time it finds a sketch with little girl in it.

Quick Find Index
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Series 1
Series 2
Series 3
Series 4
The Vido
Number 2

A guide to the sketches in series ONE of Absolutely

Series 1 - Episode 1
Now this is Radical television, I'm not even in the room, I’m still in the dressing room.
Start credits
Job interview - Man with comes for job interview but is faced by
people with traits as follows a) rude and obnoxious, b) Distract you c)
Terribly, terribly nice.
Denzil – Doing it yourself. Wood, I am a tool.
They wouldn’t be here for one thing, and I don’t need to tell you what that is So I won’t.
Job interview – Bass Guitar
Man ordering Pizza over phone says things like can you get one
of the pizzas wrong, also can you forget the garlic bread, How many times
should I phone you back. and what should the excuses be?
Undertakers – Don and George arrange a burial for their landlady who dies of spontaneous combustion. Use roller-skates as a hearse.
Song – Journey of life
Undertakers – Don and George
Undertakers – Don and George running after the roller-skate with the coffin on it.
Then ask if they can chuck it in with someone’s coffin. A man who is buying his leg!
Little Girl – Death
Bert Bastard Looking through his address book and says Dead,
Dead , dead, Deaf oh I shan't bother phoning him then.
Calum Calls in on John to show him photos of his new car. John
talks directly to the camera and explains who Calum is to the audience.
John sells his flat to Calum for 10 pounds to get rid of him.
Fashion show – Trouser moustache, Boler ears, Nasal Balls, Patio eye brows, Tooth sock, Car park attendant, Saggy twin set.
Getting to work – London bridge, getting to work quickly in a group.
Nice Family Thiz evenings viewing on Television. The Nice family
have a problem in that the wildlife program and a drama play are on at
the same time. And father rings up the authorities to check
that the program is zuitable for family viewing.
End credits

Series 1 - Episode 2
Missing bit?
Valerie Jane Turpett – John stuck in a bar with woman that he can’t get rid of. ‘Just do not ask her why’, oh my god were going downstairs!
Cinema – Woman eating popcorn really loudly, keeps asking questions. The queen has complained that your legs are sticking out. Calum then comes in to the cinema,
Thankfully real life is not like this.
Song – Just an ordinary guy
Little girl – The Queen
Nice family – Cubs, hamster
Don and George – in hamster cage on swings, flashing thing in corner of tv, that means the adverts are coming there’s nothing we can do about it.
Don and George – in hamster cage, Don selling trousers, Explaining the word Cantankerous. Then Don explains Restaurant. Rest a urant and rest b ur uncle.
USA immigration desk – Man asking questions such as have you ever suffered from the following. Lard fever, butter teeth, soup rash, puddle nose, neenee, lumpybucks.
Bert Bastard – Bert is on a rowing boat standing up behind Zimmer frame while some old woman (his wife?) moans at him, he falls off
Denzil – You are looking very attractive today, you are what you eat, Gweneth shows him a book ‘the joy of Shelves’
Security desk – This is my taxi
End credits

Series 1 - Episode 3
Death of Herbert Blackford
Start credits
Shop – Queens visit, Preparing for visit. I’m the queen and I’d like to for a dump
Don and George in the shop changing rooms talking about how people’s names came about. William Terance, Merance Gibson, Hairy Secome.
Sunday supplements – living room filled with papers, couple trying to find different sections of the paper. Pete stuck in the middle of the papers, ring the fire brigade to rescue him.
Fireman – working out how to get there using a world globe.
Firemen – Watching footage of fire engines
Nice family – Wash this television, letter to points of view. Why, oh why, oh why.
Shop – Don and George leave without buying, stop that banging
Courtroom – I’m his dentist and a clown
Little girl – How people got in the world
Bert Bastard – Making soup. Matches fall into pan, phone rings, sets on fire, gets fire extinguisher but can’t read it, chucks bucket of water over it, rings fire brigade but gets an answer machine.
Firemen call to rescue man from Sunday supplements
Interview with Theatre woman that’s so boring the interviewer vomits all over her.
Hospital – Mrs Johnson’s husband has been reduced to a leg and an ear.
Shop – Staff sing a song to welcome the Queen but then is told she’s not coming, she’s gone for a dump, Arse.

Series 1 - Episode 4
Start Credits
Bank - Trouble cashing a cheque, customer recognises famous bank robbers
Sweet shop - Boy asking how much is that , how much is that and one of them...Bye
Vikings - Who's king ?
Don and George - Bargains, Saving money
The Foot theater company - Two gentlemen of Verona
Scottish Country dancing how it came into existence
Robbin & Annabel in the supermarket, John can't remember Robbins name
Almonde and servant to the lady at the opera - Who's that man down there?
Denzil - What are Cheese water when it are at home?
Nice family - Christmas presents - twins want Airfix kit for the whole family
End Credits
Vikings - what do you think?
End Credits

Series 1 - Episode 5
Start Credits
Little Girl - In charge of people (Queen/Margaret Thatcher)
Shop - Welsh man (what hav a got da then, pair of Shooose is it? I like touching people)
Stoneybridge SJFA - Football Quarter Final draw which goes bad
Businessmen having a loud conversation in a cafe
Dancing man in trousers - humming Green sleeves
Bad Actress with balloon
Blokes in flat talking about being a Hippy
Strange clothes shop with odd changing room
The slobs in living room - Pass me the matches, there just out of reach.
Posh people in cinema - Everything pronounced beginning with B's
Man becoming a Beefeater
End credits
Iffy Salesman trying to sell Queens pooh in a jar.

Series 1 - Episode 6
Start Credits
Animal rights activists – Complaining that one of the members is not doing their bit for the cause. Setting free the ice-cream etc.
Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
Stoneybridge – Promotional video
Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
Courtroom – Gwyn the Welshman in the dock
Little girl – Baby Jesus and Christmas
Calum – in the post office, do you sell stamps, Passport. Desk clerk trying to help filling in the form and Calum giving ridiculous long-winded answers.
Two very shy blokes at party – Awful limp handshakes, sitting on settee
Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
Nice Family – Reading the morning mail, Electricity bill is 1 unit higher than it should be. Parking fine.
Bloke joining the Salvation Army, learning how to get donations in a military maneuver. Turns into a brawl in street and chase across sea and onto beach where Bert Bastard is submerged under water in deck chair.
End Credits

A guide to the sketches in series TWO of Absolutely

Series 2 - Episode 1
Start Credits
I'm OK Thank you very much - Street protesting that we are ok thank you very much
Don and George buying wallpaper - Its too near. (welsh man with a twitch near shop)
Doctor - I've got a library book up my arse and its due back tomorrow
Don and George buying wallpaper, 'it's ok but its too near'
Office board meeting - Violence, smashing up stuff (stunt doubles)
Putting children to use - Bank robbery, Golf, Tennis, gardening
Welsh man with a twitch - My dad was a kid, but he couldn't keep it up.
Docherty and Sparkes - Partings that's how you get on in life.
Lady taking a driving test - trying to identify road signs
Ransom tape - in the mean time here is some music
Don and George buying a settee
Welsh man with a twitch - Don't wear open toed sandals
Securtiy guard - Postcard will be blown up
Queen inspecting her troops
Dinner party - Pass on my love, yes please give my regards etc etc
Welsh man - A matress is ok but I prefer a cigarette
Little girl - Mum having a baby
Nice family - Booking a holiday, The father goes mad and jumps through the wall
End credits

Series 2 - Episode 2
Start credits
Calum Gilhooley – Jehovah witness. Selling them suzuki 350 manual
The great Thinko
Shop kid – kids go mad is shop, owner was making a sign ony two schoolchildren at a time.
Calum Gilhooley – photos of things that have not come out
Man that says what he thinks – baby, speeding, child painting, parents will die, Taxi driver.
Life support - Jack visiting and visit by Calum
Calum in street being punched by Jack
Jehovah witness try to offer Suzuki manual to Mr Perkins
Mr Perkins meets Mr Perkins for a meeting
Calum – I don’t live here
Police call at house - Spurs lost to Everton, woman at work does not like you, wife mentioned this in suicide note.
Nuns – Catwalk priests in novelty pants
Mr Perkins phones Mr Perkins – Would you like to see me naked
Artist – Painting nude male model, do you find me attractive, like a volcano
Mr Perkins & Mr Perkins – Everything Perkin
DIY Denzil – Gywneth swarming and having a baby
Woman in red coat - I wanna have a baby and I want it now
Calum – At train station showing photos
Don and George – Donald goes out for Croissants but goes to all the wrong shops.
End Credits

Series 2 - Episode 3
Start Credits
Disease of the week – Thrumble nose
Don & George – Dons trip to London
Tour Guide – Ending in wardrobe
What do fish talk about – Microphone to hear fish, Arsenal fans, Cows, Cow pats
Shop keepers – teaching kids football end with the kid running off with ball
Pub – Macglashan and agent, The Scots invented everything.
Army – Take them by surprise with Antique Chippendale furniture
Pub – Macglashan youre an English poof
Little Girl – How the telephone works
Pub – Macglashan Bananas invented by the Scots
Frogs singing
Sensible Hair song.
Hairdresser – Hair for mice
Tour guide
Airport – Security man, Macglashan
Tour guide in changing rooms
Squash changing rooms – discussing Lawyers with ridiculously long names
Start the bidding at £10 to not hear 7 other company names
End Credits

Series 2 - Episode 4
Start Credits
Peter& Jennifer Wells - Kenyan baby called Jeffrey
Stoneybridge – 1996 Olympic games promotional video
Welsh man – Noun and verbs
Press release – Translation problems in Bible
Welsh man – Just having a look man, Buttocks
Piano man – Clever song
Bert Bastard – Eating dinner
Fun as a Nun
Wardrobe – Dangerous things cab be dangerous
Piano man – I’m wearing trousers
Welsh man – Too hard for an anaesthetic
Little Girl – Dentist
Piano man – Good looking
Dinner party – Affair
Piano man – Andante
Vets waiting room – Have you got a damp cloth
Paino man – Making sounds
Robin and Annabel – reminiscing about when they met
Calum – Rings John, My answering of the phone in no way constitutes an agreement to meet you for a drink.
Robin and Annabel – Picnic and singing
Calum and John - In pub, barman using PA system “the tart in the red dress too much makeup”. Michael Grade walks in on set during filming.
End Credits

Series 2 - Episode 5
Start Credits
Frank – Two woman obsessed by an ordinary man. He arrives on the train and is hunted down by them. They end up camping out on his front lawn. They have a 45 single with “just blinking get out of it please” repeating over and over.
Alarm clock – Man wakes up to alarm but cannot stop the alarm despite cutting it in half.
Denzil – wine
Sleeping man in pyjamas, Welsh man ‘I’m very unpredictable’
Man eating finder nails in waiting room, then eats his fingers
Sleeping man
Main being eaten by woman in waiting room.
Don and George at hotel, just across from their house.
Waiting room Man almost completely eaten, just head left.
Out parents – All the cast talk about their childhoods with their parents.
Don and George in hotel
Train station – Sleeping man gets off train and into car
Don and George in hotel
Sleeping man gets out of car
Western – Man doing voiceovers for film
Little girl – Lies
Baby Christening – Name is very long collection of football legends
Courtroom – Man in docks starts gargling theme tunes
Song – Suit song, animated song about wearing a suit.
Sleeping man arrives at his mums ‘is my bed made up, I fancy a kip’
End credits

Series 2 - Episode 6
Start credits
Denzils – Illtyd (his brother) comes for dinner, he brings a bunch of sprouts.
I’m the shortest link in the world
John in restaurant – Ladies first, Keeps coming back and apologising for saying things that could be taken the wrong way.
Little Girl – Aeroplanes
Nice Family – Go for a drive in Morris traveller.
Courtroom – Baby in the dock.
John – And we didn’t mean this.
Man in pub talking to sheep dog.
John – And we didn’t mean this.
Western bar
Surgeons - signing All things bright and beautiful
Dog in pub trying to remember how the song went.
Bert Bastard – Playing game called Arse, I’m 82 you know.
Don and George – Eating soup, it’s a bit, trying to explain whats not right about the soup.
Model – Putting on makeup saying With clever use of makeup I’m surprised more girls aren’t models these days.
Stoneybridge – Promotional video to try and get twinning with another town.
End Credits

Series 2 - Episode 7
Western bar – Everyone hops around
Start credits
Wardrobe – The ancient art of Wako-taki
Man walking through park saying "Where Bowls do Roll and Bowly bowl" and I’m not here man – Ladies Ladies Ladies
Bowling club AGM
Shop keeper and boy – Boy sees man may be committing suicide, Then bothers the shop keeper who is fishing with 'what’s that, what’s that, what’s that got any Pepsi?'
I’m not here man
Man with Diaries - Bald, Bald
I’m not here man – Bald, wiggy
Adolescent girl - Poets
I’m not here man saying more gibberish.
Meeting – How to get ladies. With group of strange people – Fashion expert, strong and silent type, conversation expert, Clinton moves in an interesting fashion. Guest speakers Wilmalena, Calum
Robbin & Annabels wedding, John can’t remember names
Car mechanics – Various mechanics that don’t have a clue about what’s wrong with the car.
Meeting – How to get the ladies continues
Nice family – The children come home early from Sunday school to find father dressed in bondage gear. He then tries to explain who Mr Louve Pump and Mr Beach Quan are. These two fictitious characters then turn up for tea !
End credits

Series 2 - Episode 8
Casting - Were looking for a man to play part of man in sketch.
Start credits
Old peoples home – Magazine interviewer trying to get stories from old people. Ends with old people throwing food on interviewer.
Wardrobe – relationship with camera
Art gallery – three strange artists exhibiting their work
Don and George – bookcase full of cleaners, its just a sausage, Two ladies come to dinner.
Little girl – How Buildings get there.
Business man - Man with lots of ringing phones
Don and George – Talking to the two ladies Agnes and Deloris.
Bert Bastard – Reading his suicide note, swallows his last 1st class stamp and drops letter behind unit.
Courtroom – Calum in the dock, John accuses him of boring him to death.
Song – In the style of ‘Simple Minds Belfast child’
End credits

A guide to the sketches in series THREE of Absolutely

Series 3 - Episode 1
Start credits
Calum – on Aeroplane
Wellses – Writing to Political prisoner
Bert Bastart – Sports day, 100m, long jump, Javlin, longjump, sack race, cup of tea.
Don and George – Police interrogation Nice and Nasty.
Stoneybridge – Vido
Little Girl – Doctors
McGlashan – Hurly Burly bag
Bad morning - Animated face
McGlashan – Englands Border with Scotland, Mcglashan rides up to Englands border and shouts "Pooooooooofffffffffffffsssssssss" to an empty street then gets on his bike and rides back into Scotland.
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 2
Start credits
Don and George – Don misses his Dr’s appointment, George gives him a medical.
Really Very Bad Swimmers Indeed
Man being woken up by people getting revenge for Car Alarm going off.
Denzil – Welsh institute of wood, Denzils suit has a sleeve sown onto the front of the trousers.
Tour Guide
Clive Merson – A dead man being used to make money for charity.
Man in restaurant – Ordering food such as Pizza Fish, Veal Lobster.
Welsh man and others witness Lobster being run over by car.
Woman trying to get into nightclub.
Song by blokes in jumpers - System Analysts by day.
Frank Hovis – Caught short in a Taxi
Plumbers – I can’t take it anymore.
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 3
Start credits
Wellses – Getting ready for visitors, making place look suitable only to end up making out that they are not in.
Calum – Booking a flight to New York
Bert Bastard – Goes shopping at the supermarket
Song – Birth, death
Jeff the Parkie – Board Meeting
Don and George – Don picking up Satellite television.
Posh couple – Binkinikineeny, European, Baguette
Don and George – mirror showing previous owners
Stoneybridge – Elections
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 4
Start credits
Denzil – Gwenedd smoking pipe, Denzil reading wallpaper book, Why do a hoover suck
Piano man
Séance – hello Kevin
Frank Hovis – Greek island called Anus, Anus in the sun.
Vets waiting room – Man singing tunes otherman annoyed as he heard them before adverts used them.
Wedding Preparations – Bride panicking, something old something new and something completely hideous around the neckline.
Wedding video – Bizarre rock type video viewed by all the family, ‘How can you be bothered to be bothered about that’
Restaurant – Man not allowed to use it until he has his Orange underpants painted white.
Piano man under water.
Hotel – Pre-warming bed for guest by sleeping in it.
Poets at funeral talking about one of us dying.
Hotel – Burglar hovering room.
Police in playground – on swings and seesaw, knocking off each others helmets.
Police siege on house where burglar is doing the washing up. Long talk about how long to allow to get in the house. ‘Give me 5 mins, no make it 3 mins. oh hang on how many rooms were there’ etc etc.
End credits

Series 3 - Episode 5
Start Credits
Charity shop – Little Tartan drummer girl in a tube. Customer loves everything in the shop and buys it all.
Braid Scots – Simple phrases ‘oh it will na bee’
Singing man
Stoneybridge – Meeting to arrange Independent Television franchise
Singing man
Calum – Opinion poll, ‘If there was an election tomorrow who would you vote for’
Singing man
Bert Bastard – Over 80’s disco, Shall I have a birth?, My gentlemen is well thumbed by the end, Stimulate her Clematis.
Singing man
Nice family – Football, suggestion to the FA about how it should be played
Little Girl – School
Hospital – Has the Donor accepted Jesus into his heart?
Denzil – Illtyd (Denzils brother) comes around, he brings a carburettor from a Ford Escort, She wears Chicken skin shoes. Welsh unarmed hitting.
McGlashan – Oil, Iraq, South Africa. McMinn sacks him
People quietly walking by man in street to avoid giving money
McGlashan – New England map, McMinn tied up.
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 6
Start Credits
News & sport – McGlashan reading the news
Denzil – Phlegm Lovely beer, gas leak, Gavin (Denzils son) turns up, Pigs nerves, I married the most repulsive woman in Swansea.
Piano man in restaurant
Plane – Do you think I’m bald?, How bald, slap heads, fat arse.
Frank Hovis – Pubic hair, Tupperware
Mad Woman - I cut my own hair
Courtroom – World champions, Argument about American world champions only playing against Americans.
Animated music video – Party
Pen pal
Don and George – Shop ‘I’m not your wife’, Matches, newspaper, wine gums, milk, vegetable fight, counter. George stands in the audience.
Mad woman – Make your own clothes
Elvis fan club meeting in living room
Denzil – Dancing in living room
Elvis meeting
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 7
Start credits
Wellses – taking stuff to charity shop such as paper & used water
Stoneybridge – Selecting Celebrity to open the Jamboree
Environmental song
Frank Hovis – Penis flytrap
Don and George – playing ‘George – You’re simply the best’
Bert Bastard – In Zimmer frame in bathroom trying to do Oke coky, you put your left foot in…..
Victoria and Albert museum is empty because its run by my Mum.
Calum – Bringing videos back to Shop based on the titles of the films
Little Girl – Family
Tracing family tree – All your ancestors are dead. Sketch deteriorates as it becomes apparent that it’s a set with props.
End Credits

Series 3 - Episode 8
Start credits
Wellses – Box of stuff
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
Train station – Man preaching to no one, Look nobody is listening to you!
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
Black and white clip of person slipping on banana skin, people laughing.
Billy – In bedroom
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance including Frank Hovis drunk singing
Mime artists in black T-shirts
Meeting in car park doing a deal.
Edwardian musician playing to group of people
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
Don and George – The Broons
Woman writing complaint letter to TV
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
End Credits

A guide to the sketches in series FOUR of Absolutely

Series 4 - Episode 1
Start Credits
McGlashan – Newspaper in pub with McMinn
Laughing man – On tractor
Calum – In operating theatre, out of anorak experience
Bert Bastard – World atlas ‘it cost the lives of millions but it didn’t cost me a penny cus I kept me old atlas’
Laughing man – car stickers
Little girl – Old people
Dressage – Not with horses!
Photographer – Strange woman taking photos in her studio.
Frank Hovis – I wet the bed, ‘it brought down the ceiling of the room below’, running for a bus.
Piano man – in restaurant playing piano and also preparing food.
Don and George – I’m off to work, employment, Job, profession, my post. ‘It’s like a big errand.’
Laughing man
Nice family – Father looses control, asking the kids to help mother with the tea.
End credits

Series 4 - Episode 2
Start Credits
Stoneybridge – Bruce’s wedding and stag night, Dirty vido, Stripper.
Wells’es – Fostering a child
Surgeons – Repairing bike tyre puncture
Office – Odd couple exchanging phrases – Chocolate suggestive, good morning vicar
Welsh man – Having a shave with cut throat razor.
Golf – Cyberman versus Thor (god of thunder)
Song – Hello
Denzil – Denzil is ill he has Llandudno neck
Piano man
Tour guide – Blenheim Palace
Wedding dress – Not enough frills
End credits

Series 4 - Episode 3
Start Credits
Posh couple – in kitchen preparing dinner
Laughing man – pub
Don and George – Calling at mans door. ‘We are not selling anything’
Song – It’s my packed lunch song
Don and George – Inside mans doorway
Frank Hovis – Lip salve, bath, poo filled trousers
Laughing man – pub
Bert Bastard – Mobility scooter, car wash, canal, motorway, on luggage conveyer, ends up riding off into sunset with spanish woman on the front of scooter.
Quiz show hostess – Thick woman saying how hard it is to present.
Nice family – The facts of life. Father says ‘people get married and have babies’. The kids ask a series of awkward questions and father answers all with ridiculous answers about pensions and mortgages.
Surgeons – Operations with bits left over
Laughing man – in pub
Lady Camilla - deportment classes, pencil, getting into a car
End credits

Series 4 - Episode 4
Start Credits
Denzil – Gweneth gets stuck in the Hoover
Song – Getting older, fatter
Calum – Bookshop, Calum looks around shop while John tries to avoid him. Hiding face in book ‘History of the Honda 350’
Calum chases him around town, and to the end of the Earth.
Little girl – Trains ‘inter tity 12567’
Wells’es – Greentours holiday
Naughty kids – Smoking in car, lets go up the hospical
Mr Wiggy – Icecream van dispensing hair to four bald men
Stoneybridge – Independence for Stoneybridge Bruceland.
Laughing man – lousy T-shirt
Stoneybridge – war between bruceland and the other side of the room
End Credits

Series 4 - Episode 5
Start Credits
Nice family – The type of people to avoid. Football hooligan, Hooker, Drugie.
Looking for a good time boys, Yes please!, To the radio gram
Woman in wardrobe – I did all the correct things in the correct order.
Fish attacking man, police in river, fish handcuffed to policeman
Wells’es – Soup kitchen collection
Welsh man – Teeth, on you go
Tour guide – on coach
Surgeons – Operation in the street
Don and George – Washing vegetables in sink, George buy a car and goes for a drive in the living room but hits a wasp (cyclist) as he was going too fast (1/2 mile and hour)
Naughty kids – Go up the arcade.
Frank Hovis – Hotel kaka poo poo, Number two on the menu, sticky toffee pudding.
Song – Bank holiday
End credits

Series 4 - Episode 6
Start Credits
Don and George – Savings, the best things in life are free, vat man
Cartoon – Schedule d man
Welshman – Modern is it, buys sellotape
Don and George – Georgeman and Donan superheroes (to avoid paying tax)
Bert Bastard – Filing false teeth, making a cup of tea
Posh couple – waking up and getting ready
Bert Bastard – Go ahead cheese and biscuits make my day
Piano man – in garden, being depressed
Little girl – Government
Calum – Giving directions to halfway tavern
Frank Hovis – Farting, Farting and more farting, does not say anything!
Stoneybridge – Music video
End credits

A guide to the sketches in Absolutely "the Vido"

Stoneybridge – Promotional video
Start Credits
Don & George – Medical
Little Girl – When your mum has a baby
Song – Simple minds style
McGlashan – Hurly Burly bag
Queen inspecting solders in bearskins
Calum – Flight booking to New York
Song – Glasses
Putting children to use
Frank Hovis – Taxi
Don and George – Nice and Nasty
Stoneybridge – Promotional video
Don and George – Nice and Nasty cont
Artist – Filthy old lady painting nude male model
Surgeons dancing
Nice Family – This evening television viewing
Sensible hair song
Denzil – Gwyneth’s birthday
Solicitor’s names
Little Girl – Dentist
Bert Bastard – Sports day
Song - The suit song
Frank Hovis – Hotel ka ka poo poo
Resturant – Pizza fish, Lobster
Callum – Jehovah’s witnesses
Tracing family tree – All your ancestors are dead. Sketch deteriorates as it becomes apparent that it’s a set with props.
End credits

A guide to the sketches in Absolutely Number 2

Start Credits
I'm OK Thankyou very much - Street protesting that we are ok thankyou very much, but wouldn't say no to a blender.
Bert Bastard – Eating dinner, peas go onto floor with lots of previously dropped food. "were all very clean at the day centre, they cleaned one old man to death"
Man singing the 'Journey of Life' song
Little Girl - Doctors
Calum – in the post office, do you sell stamps, Passport. Desk clerk trying to help filling in the form and Calum giving ridiculous long-winded answers.
Bert Bastard – In Zimmer frame in bathroom trying to do Oke coky, you put your left foot in.
Don and George buying wallpaper - Its too near.
Doctor - I've got a libary book up my arse and its due back tomorrow
The death song.
Stoneybridge Council - Election
Piano man - I can do anything song
Denzil - Loft, Cellar, 17 years pregnant.
Piano man - Strange sounds from his piano
Bride - Wedding Preparations – Bride panicking, something old something new and something completely hideous around the neckline, Dady
Hospital – Has the Donor accepted Jesus into his heart?
Wedding video – Bizarre rock type video viewed by all the family, ‘How can you be bothered to be bothered about that’
Pub – Macglashan and agent, The Scots invented everything.
Denzil - Illtyd (his brother) comes for dinner, he brings a bunch of sprouts.
Calum in court - Charged with harasment of John.
Little Girl - Family
Wellses – Writing to Political prisoner,
"What sort of records do you like? Our current favourites are “Gracelands” by Paul Simon, Johnny Clegg and his Sambucca.” Peter says “Oh, well done Jennifer. He’ll be out by Monday”
Piano Man - Smug and Cheesy playing is restaurant
Shop keeper and boy - How much is that and one of those.
Don and George – Donald goes out for Croissants but goes to all the wrong shops.
Denzil - Dancing
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
Tour Guide
Microphone to hear singing fish
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance including Frank Hovis drunk singing.
Edwardian musician playing to group of people
Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
Posh couple – Binkinikineeny, European, Baguette
End credits

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